Thursday, April 2, 2015
How I conquered DEPRESSION AND NEGATIVITY. posted at 7:04 PM
In this post, I'm going to express personal opinions and personal ways of how I myself have overcome my depression. I have not been diagnosed and I am not a professional in any way regarding treating this disorder. Understand that there are many different ways people express or feel when it comes to depression as a disorder as well as what they do to treat it. This is my story and how I have overcame this and I wish to inspire those going through it by sharing my story.
First off, what is depression? Depression as we all know is extreme sadness. Everyone has had this at least once in their life. Depression can be a normal thing and it happens when situations that is unpleasant happens to us. However what I'm discussing here today is depression as a disorder. It becomes a disorder when you find yourself to feel unpleasant more often than you should with or without a "real" reason.
It seems from my personal life and readings that depression usually makes a person feel irrelevant, unloved, and without purpose. For some it may be true and for some not so much. A person could have the world and could still feel depressed. Strange, isn't it? That very reason is why it sucks balls.
I know some friends and have read personal bloggers who shared their thoughts on their journey of depression and most have claimed to remember having depression for as long as they could remember; myself included. My mind has always wandered into places where it shouldn't and when family problems arose when I was young, it definitely didn't help. Already a sensitive soul, the impact of my family breaking apart caused my philosophy of life and my very being to diminish from anything positive.
I did not know what it meant to be depressed. I did not know the word at all then. I also did not know that it was not normal. I did though, thought that it was just a phase and that everyone probably felt the same way. I wasn't a loud child either. I kept to myself but I was friendly and easy to talk to when I had to. I suppose I was "chill", that would be the word lol I did not like talking about my feelings because I felt no one had an interest and growing up, I learned that I could get annoyed with someone like myself so I ignored that part of me and how I felt about it. I just let it happen when it wanted to when I was alone.
I did not have anyone to talk to about my depression. I knew something was wrong and that I didn't like it, but at the same time when I knew what depression was, I just thought that everyone gets sad too. But when I was questioned by my mom why I was sad, there was no recent reason why I was. Some parents may feel that it's a serious thing and their child should get treated, and some may not. My mom did not think it was anything serious and I never blamed her for not understanding. It was definitely hard when you wished you could talk to someone like your mother about it, but it never helped when it just ends up into arguments and misunderstandings. She just wanted to believe that her child was normal and that it was just a phase when it was actually a struggle.
Despite my depression, I've always been a person with will power and self empowerment. I blame myself for faulty actions and trained myself to never fail myself and my morals. My punishment from failing myself is emotionally yelling at myself basically telling myself that I'm not good enough and at its worst, self infliction and even suicidal attempts. If you watched Lord of The Rings and know the character Gollum, the creature who basically have two sides, good and a bad side, He would argue and fight himself to be good or bad. To do this or to do that. That literally happens to me and I would sometimes catch myself talking and doing things to myself when I'm alone. It's pretty ridiculous.
So I was always alone on this for the most part. Hardly anyone really knew, haha probably until this very post! As I reached high school, I was experimenting with my emotions and started to read more about depression. I finally learned that depression can be a disorder and you could actually see a doctor for it. It was weird to me at first, to see a doctor for emotional issues? That was silly. I never took the initiative to tell my doctor because I was too prideful. Like I said before, I also have the need to use my will power but more importantly, I didn't want to feel different. I wanted to be normal. I wanted people to treat me normal and they probably wouldn't if I was labeled with a "disorder". I want them to hate me if they really do, not pretend to be nice. Yes I have depression and most times I felt unloved like no one cared, but I also despise the idea of people being fake around me so much more than if they actually hate me. So I had to choose.
Each time that I learned more about depression and ACCEPTING that I have it, I began to really LEARN more about myself. What I wanted from others, from myself and who I wanted to be. Acceptance allowed me to open up my soul for myself. To become open and honest with the most important person on earth, ME. By accepting I made a promise to be truthful to myself so I can figure this shit out for good! Accepting yourself is so important. It is what allows any progress to happen. You basically allow yourself to fight it when you accept it. You can FEEL the difference between being happy VERSUS extremely depressed compared to back when all you ever knew was literally depression itself. That evil bitch.
As I continued reading more about depression from what doctors recommended and also personal bloggers, I put their methods into habits and ways that could possibly help me. We are all different so not one way will help everyone. I started off with working out. It was going well until it started going into the wrong direction. Freshmen year of high school when I discovered all this I too quickly fell into what could have become anorexia. I would wake up at five in the morning to do intense workouts for about an hour and wait around until I had to go to the bus for school. I'd skip out on breakfast and go for fruit snacks because it didn't make me feel "heavy". Little did I know that those little stinker snacks had nothing but bad carbs and sugar!! I was known to always get my fruits snacks, enough that the manager in the kitchen always expected me to grab a handful each morning as I checked out lol For lunch I would surpress my appetite by going to the school library to avoid smelling or seeing food. So crazy everytime I think about it! When I would go back to where I stayed, I'd eat very little and quickly head for the room I was blessed to stay in for the time being while my mom was figuring things out for our little family. That went on for that entire year and I survived surprisingly lol
My eating habits got better sophmore and junior year when I started to read more on nutrients and healthy lifestyles with work outs. I was also dating my ex during those times and having company helped with my depression. Unfortunately, it was difficult when I had my moments and I always felt ashamed that I couldn't resist and hide it from him. It was the first time I had to explain what and why it happens at random times....to someone I cared for in hopes that it won't change how they felt about me other than my mother who loves me unconditionally whether she believes me or not. I hope that it was never a burden, but it was definitely not the reason why we separated after 3 years.
Towards the end of senior year was when I found LOVE for myself. I then knew the difference between happiness and depression. I knew what would truly trigger it and ways that could help level it when necessary.
I must clear this: however happy that I could be til this day, it's an odd feeling of happiness. Sometimes it's as if depression is just hiding in the shadows by the curtains watching me smile. I'm always aware that it's there and I feel its sorrows as my happiness shines above it, I just try not to turn and look. Depression, to me in my life, is never simply cured or disappears, it will always be the raging water underneath my blue skies waiting for me to fall. Many doctors have said the same about it. No pill or treatmeant can cure it completely they say, so far. Which is why it's so important that you know more about it if you have it and why I wish so much to share this and reach out because you CAN reduce it from my experience and many other great stories from others.
More damage happened shortly after high school right after I discovered love for myself unfortunately, and this time it's my confidence in my beauty overall. It was so utterly painful that everything that I built for myself restored and I was lost again into a realm that I was VERY familiar with, extreme depression. I didn't feel like I had a place to call home. People to love or receive love from anymore. I lost who I was again. The only place I knew, was DEPRESSION. I let myself drown in it because I knew so much about it that that very thing became my home. I felt safe because I had so much hate for what happened to me that depression and all of its negativity whispered to me that it understood me and my pain and sorrow. At times when alone I could feel it wrap around me cold and dark, but it would be so similiar that I would rather stick around than trust anyone else.
I eventually conquered that problem by directly confronting the issue when I realized how much I didn't deserve to feel the way I did especially all the hard work I did to get out of the hole. I REALIZED THIS BECAUSE AGAIN, I KNEW WHAT IT WAS LIKE TO LOVE MYSELF WHEN I LEARNED WHAT IT FELT LIKE AND IT FELT GOOD. WHY WOULD I WANT TO FEEL LIKE SHIT AGAIN? They say once you've seen good you won't want to go back, it's definitely true in my case.
Another thing I have accepted is that I will always have it. Depression. It helps to know that it can't be cured because as unfortunate as it is, you will find ways to tackle it which is better than nothing.
There are some people who would say carelessly "well if you want die then die", or "well if you're stupid enough to think stuff like that then just die." Easy enough, I'd say the same myself with this will power, you're your own empowerment mind of mines, but sadly, we truly don't know what someone is really going through. We have enemies in real life among each other as human beings, so I believe it is definitely possible to have an enemy within yourself.
Today, I found that my personal "belief" lies within spirituality after EXPLORING my options. I meditate, workout, watch my eating habits, and do what I LOVE. I read about spirituality and follow people with good spirits and energy because it connects and enriches me. My goal has grown to become a better person by being kind, forgiving, and helpful. It became a habit to appreciate small things and be GRATEFUL rather than the other way around. Traveling has been a great aid in my journey. It made me see how much bigger the world is than my small dark cluttered world. I always recommend and encourage traveling among my friends because it truly enriches the soul! The mind shouldnt be alone all the time because like the world, dark things can creep up even in the mind. Always be on the move and explore far from it! This is why religion is no argument for me. If that belief saved you, go for it and believe it. We believe in what we do because it saved us in ways different from others. We let ourselves to devote ourselves to it whether we have the facts or if it's simply because we have faith. We are only human and we naturally will seek some sort of hope to hang on to and it could literally be anything. It's very personal and never let anyone take that from you or make you feel sorry. As long as you are not harming anyone including yourself.
My boyfriend Cody loved and supported me through this ever since he learned about it. He showed me that he loved every aspect of me and has pulled me out multiple times from harm. I would not have been able to learn so much more about myself and go through other hardships without his gentle care. He's done nothing but proved to me that he truly wants to be with me through it all. It helps when you find someone that you can turn to for HELP. Seeking help from the right people can help you with your journey tremendously.
Here is a summary for this post about how to conquer depression:
ACCEPTANCE - by accepting that you have depression, you will open the door to learning how to love all of who you are including depression itself for it is who you are and what you must learn to accept if you want to love yourself. It will motivate you to know more about it and yourself.
EDUCATE - educating yourself about depression and experimenting with it to learn who YOU are. Sometimes we will get lost because depression makes us feel like we aren't worth it, but like any war with an enemy, the more you learn about them, the easier it'll be to conquer.
LOVE - love and forgive yourself! After all the bullshit, it's about time to love yourself. You have now accepted what you have, you have learned who you are and what you have. There isn't just darkness on the field anymore, there is also light you are now familiar with!
EXPLORE - you have put the the past away for good and have forgiven yourself. Whats next is to embrace the future and discover ways to keep your sanity. Whether it be a new hobby, new friends, traveling, or helping others. It's your new life and you have become especially wise from feeling so much pain to finally allowing yourself to see the light. Make it worth while.
I hope this post was helpful and that you learned something whether you are a victim of depression or simply someone who came across this post for whatever reason. Again, this is my experience and what I have been through with it til this day. I definitely don't want anyone to risk their lives over this because you matter so much more than you think. Also don't listen to uneducated idiots that tell you your life is unimportant because you feel this way. I feel for those going through this confused, lost, and alone. Understand that you are not. Allow the light to shine in and remember how it feels when it happens because I promise that you will want to go back to it when the darkness comes.
With so much love,
Saturday, March 28, 2015
America's Beauty Show 2015 posted at 3:30 PM
Hello Beauty lovers,
I went to the America's Beauty Show this year and it was so fun! You know you're at a beauty show when you see people with amazing colored hair and super fashionable people.
The show took place in Chicago, Illinois in the McCormick Place.
Fun experience and I learned a lot :) Looking forward to this great year of more learning.
Monday, March 9, 2015
CANCUN, MEXICO VACATION - 2015 Blog update! posted at 9:16 PM
Long time no blog! (As I always say...) It's 2015 and I haven't updated or blogged in a while. I've been occupied with life, great life things lately that's why. Well, big news, my parents and I are opening up our own Nail Salon very extremely soon! I'm excited because we hope to change the way Nail Salon industries are running by inputting good habits in nail technician's routines in caring for client's nails and health as well as the management in Nail Salons in general using our experiences and soon-to-be expert knowledge from masters already in the industry.
I've learned so much and feel so educated in it I can't stop doing my own personal researching in the topic! It makes me appreciate the knowledge that current nail professionals have as well as the scientist behind it all.
But anyways! More about that later :)
This years first trip was to Cancun, Mexico! My two friends were engaged New years eve of 2014 and had planned this trip since then. It was such a wonderful experience and vacation that I've never had before. My first out of the country trip was in 2013, a 3 1/2 weeks in Japan which was wonderfully amazing on its own, but Cancun was definitely more chill and relaxing. I learned a bit more about myself after this trip: That I'm a dare devil and love doing thrilling and exciting new things!
We went scuba diving and zip lining and gosh it was so fun and amazing! I swam with an adult SEA TURTLE! How cool can that get?!
This is the wedding party! I tried my best to take photos for the lovely couple lol One of my favorite photos of the group hue hue! Wedding on the BEACH!
And of course, me and my love during a fancy dinner evening ♥
Living in the midwest, this type of vacation makes the winter goes by a lot faster....to me at least :P
Definitely fun and it makes me want to do more! I swear traveling becomes addicting. Speaking of, sometime this year the boyfriend and I are planning a trip to Las Vegas!!! Mostly because I have the NEED to see my favorite gal, BRITNEY SPEARS. Plus, my 21st birthday was a total fail. Ha. Ha. In a weird and memorable way, lol. Updates on that trip soon hopefully!
Thanks for reading! I'll do my best to blog this year as a goal of it's own ^_^ ♥
Monday, August 11, 2014
Purple Ombre Wig Review! Sponsored post* ABHAIR.COM! posted at 12:42 PM
I received an awesome wig sponsored by: www.abhair.com
to review for you guys!
I was going to go for a natural wig but I thought it'd be more fun to try something you can't do everyday. My hair currently is really short so I wanted something long. I decided to go with a purple ombre wig that goes pass my boobs. I LOVE IT!
It's more grey-purple at the top and fades into a light purple into a deeper purple at the tips.
Here is the photo as advertised on their website:
And here is the link for the actual wig that I got: http://www.abhair.com/product/long-straight-costume-ombre-wig-with-swept-bang-light-purple
Some selfies of the wig on me:
Here is a side view of it:
The wig is decently long on me:
SO yea! Overall, I really love how unique the wig is. I love how purple it is on the bottom and it flows really nice on the bottom too. I usually have a difficult time with wigs because I don't know how to fit them right, but this one fit pretty well and all I had to do was adjust the bangs.
Inside of the wig where you place it on your head, there is also a clip to keep it tucked and in place on your head. They also give you a free fish net to keep your hair in place and flat for the wig.
I also have a 15% off code for friends and family: ChuyA15.
Just type the code down before checking out! <3
Thanks for reading! :D
- Chuy xoxo
Sunday, August 3, 2014
Something different - A new way of ART posted at 7:19 PM
Many of you that have followed me for a while now know that I enjoy doing makeup and capturing them through photography. It has been a while now hasn't it?
I realized, as I was trying to get back into the groove, that the motivation I had for it was different this time.
It was about 3 years ago, almost 4, that I started this makeup/photography deal. I never noticed until now that my motivation for my makeup/photography, were expressions of my loneliness. Those were the times I didn't really know who i was yet, didn't know who I could trust yet, didn't have real responsibilities for I was still very young, so I look it up as a hobby. Many of my work were usually expressed in dark ways. I usually felt sad, hurt, extremely angry...and so I would try to release it in some form of art.
NOW, I have responsibilities of my own and I really don't mind them, I actually enjoy them because I get so much more out of my responsibilities. I feel, happier! I'm opening my own doors for opportunities, I can travel, I can schedule things my own time, and just everything belongs to me because I own them from working hard for it all. Going back into the groove of things however, is very different now because I can't rely on sadness anymore and I DO NOT want to. As beautiful as I was back then and what I was capable of when I was sad, it was not a pleasant place. NOW, I need to open a new door, a new path, a new way to get back into the groove but with rainbows, unicorns n' shiet this time.
Observing myself was always a 'thing' I had with myself. I enjoy seeing myself grow, seeing myself in pain, and blossoming from it. I enjoy indulging myself in my humanity and being puzzled with my reactions when faced with a certain good or bad situation.
Here I am today.
I want to start back on videos! Realizing that I am this way now and accepting who I was back then will guide me to create the future of who I will be and the type of videos I will be able to create NOW. Things always change, and I only want better for myself. I'm going to let happiness be my guide on creating new things for you all! I want to be happy when creating something beautiful this time. I hope you all will too <3
Love Always, Chuy <3
Monday, May 26, 2014
EOS Dark Ice Violet 2 Tones Circle Lens REVIEW ~ LensVillage Sponsor Post* posted at 6:21 PM
Today I'm doing a circle lens review on the Brand EOS, the dark ice violet, with 2 tones! I got these lenses from Lens Village! They have a large selection of brands, colors, and designs to choose from!
I love the purple shades because they automatically give you an anime look :3
When I received the package, these are the things that came with it: Two vials of circle lenses safely wrapped, a contact lens case and their business cards!
So the designs of these lenses are mostly on the outer part of the lenses like a ring. Lenses like these are my favs because they show up really well. The enlargement shows more since the diameter extends from your natural eyes, with these being 14.8mm in diameter. These lenses, specifically, are awesome because they create what I call the 'halo' affect!
Here's a photo of my eyes looking away to show the affect:
Here are some more selfies lol These I took these photos in natural lighting near a window!
In terms of comfort, the brand EOS is usually my to go. I never had a problem with EOS, until I have it for a while and its time for a new pair. But other than that, I never get irritation right away wearing these as long as I take care and disinfect them each time I wear them!
Comfort: Best comfort for me
Size: 14.8 is the largest I'd go before I look like an alien so perfect size if we were to speak of enlargement
Design and Color: Great design. Love the effect and look it gives me!
Take care~ Chuy <3
Monday, May 12, 2014
Mink makeup Printer by Grace Choi, my thoughts! posted at 4:52 PM
There has recently been a storm across the internet about a girl name Grace Choi and her invention, Mink.
Currently, Mink is a 3D prototype that's going to evolve into a printer, the size of a MAC mini, that will literally print out, makeup! In her video, she shows her concept of how the Mink will work using her earliest prototype and demonstrating through a photoshop program on the process of how you will print your makeup using Mink.
This link will take you to her video demonstration of the prototype Mink: http://www.harpersbazaar.com/beauty/makeup-articles/harvard-student-invents-3D-makeup-printer?ha=1&src=soc_twtr
This link will take you to the interview with grace choi: http://techcrunch.com/2014/05/08/an-interview-with-mink-ceo-grace-choi-whos-taking-on-the-55-billion-beauty-industry-with-a-3d-makeup-printer/
The idea is truly dreamy and I'd love to try it. I'm not incredibly moved by it though, at least so far after watching this video and digging up more research on the product and her inspiration.
Her demo video is incredibly vague about the details of how the final product is created. She does say 'ink' and that scared me a bit lol she briefly explain more in her interview video that the machine has the general makeup ingredients and then the ink (however it will do it in the machine) will add the color, according to the number of a color you choose, after. For example: #000000 represents black and the higher the number the lighter or change of color gets etc (Photoshop/html/CSS language)
Mica is one of the main ingredients for most, if not all, makeup. So I'm assuming that's what the plain power in the makeup pan would be before the color dye is mixed in it. So the color itself is it's own ingredient. She says it's a FDA approved cosmetic grade dye, but if it's going to be able to copy any color, there will be some high intensity colors that aren't meant for certain parts of the face. Unless the Mink has to use some different ingredient that will be made differently or it would just be a lower quality of makeup where the pigment won't be as high. Certain products are not meant for certain parts of the face due too the intensity of some colors that may need more of a certain ingredient to create a more intense colored color, but because of that, the color may cause irritation, red is one example of the colors. Some products do label their packaging with a warning and to use with caution. For example, the urban decay electric palette. The packaging states "“Warning: Slowburn, Savage, Jilted, and Urban are not intended for the immediate eye area."
Not to mention, I wonder if the raw material from the Mink is vegan or if it's all chemicals. Those are things consumers need to know as well because vegan products is also a concern for many makeup consumers. Makeup is such a raw and complex material that it's hard for me to condense the idea into a small at home equipment for me lol Questions like how the textures (matte, sheer, satin, shimmer, glitter finishes) will be made is what makes makeup a wonderful discovery for me. It's not JUST the color. To create certain textures you would need specific ingredients. You can't forget that for some people, makeup is a luxury! Yet again, the prototype IS at it's earliest stage. 'Color' is what she is pushing with this product in terms of her marketing strategy, so far. And she did say the products will be similiar to drugstore cosmetics, meaning they won't be of great/unique quality like Nars, MAC, urban decay, etc. If you think about it, there are so many neutral palettes out there, the difference is how they are made, how they feel, and who distributes them. Many of those colors are similar, yet we still collect them all or some that we deem good quality do we not?
$300 for the final for sale product is pretty cheap in my opinion for something this unique and futuristic. Her goal is to eventually lower it even more if it becomes successful. However I'm sure there will be a lot of re-fills for the cosmetic pans you will need each time you run out after 'printing' pans or Re-fils on the 'ink' etc. She also states her target audience are from ages 13-21. Would they really have the money to afford such an investment? I know I didn't lol but I suppose the Mink would make a fun birthday or Christmas gift!! Cant forget there are many different skin 'TYPES'. Maybe people won't have to be concerned too much with skin 'TONES' since the point of the product is 'color' (I assume) and as I said before, makeup isn't all about just color, it's about the finish as well. Will the substance give everyone with different skin types the same finish? What type of finish? Full or sheer coverage? Would all the makeup needs be in Mink? I obviously don't know how that tiny machine could work inside to create all this. Again, the idea is fantastic and I truly hope it can be made with great consideration of what makeup truly is. I'd love to get great makeup at the palms of my hand if possible lol
If anything, I assume the Mink will be its own makeup line, only cool feature is that it will print out right at your home with duplicated colors through the computer. Sounds like it's going to be an at home drugstore cosmetic line.
So far, would the Mink be for me?!?!?
Probably not. I'm the type to buy makeup for luxury as well and I enjoy having a bigger option of cosmetics with different textures and finishes. Makeup is completely art to me, limitless, and variety. If Mink is to only exist and dominate all of the makeup world and only offer drugstore leveled cosmetics, with limited access to textures, pigments etc, I'd be sad lol
I find her idea intriguing and in no way am I saying it's a bad concept, just not really practical.... Yet! So Yes, as a makeup consumer, I have many questions and concerns since I'm all about makeup. These are my initial thoughts when thinking about purchasing the Mink product. I probably will purchase it to see for myself how it works and the quality!
Best of luck to her!
I'd love to here your thoughts as well! Feel free to post a comment below!!!!
If you want, you could sign up with your email for mink updates and release dates on this website:
Labels: grace choi, makeup cosmetics, makeup printer, Mink